I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
is it fun? or sober?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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