mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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