I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
