In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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