when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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