ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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