There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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