This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
