i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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