the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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