I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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