drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
