I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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