worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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