i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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