What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
