Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
