just tell him i said nine months
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
