He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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