so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
