My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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