rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
