I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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