I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
