Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
