I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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