The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
