My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
