I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
