You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
