I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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