Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
