you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
