you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
