so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
