I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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