If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We were destined to go to rehab together
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
