Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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