I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize