Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
