'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
