Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You're like the curious george of whores
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
