Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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