Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Someone signed my nipple.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
