I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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