hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
