I wish my penis had an off switch
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
