Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
