They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
