The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
