he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize