so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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