Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
