A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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