Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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