my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just cut my nipple shaving
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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